Jesus Goes to Charm School

Found in the Christian Charm Manual‘s “My Spiritual Grooming” lesson, God’s mouthwash is pure liquid revelation. At least, it might be. The details are a little unclear. This workbook page begins with this graphic:

The message of this particular page seems strangely vague – you’d think that given the urgent need for thorough & ongoing cleansings, a girl could get her grubby hands on some fine points.

Our dear charm-marm asks insistently:

• Do I remove the accumulated soil each day with a cleansing “spiritual bath”?
• Do I sweeten my mouth regularly with “God’s mouthwash”?
• Do I apply “God’s spot-remover” and “spiritual bleach” to my blemishes?

But wait, there are more. (There are always, always more.)

• Do I allow the penetrating action of “God’s detergent” to cleanse me all the way through?
• Is my “spiritual closet” clogged with old “skeletons”?

First: So … God’s mouthwash: found in finer universes everywhere?

Second: Please note that “God’s spot-remover” is not an effective cleaning agent on its own and must be used in conjunction with “spiritual bleach” for maximum effectiveness. One assumes that God accepts no responsibility for residual stains on the heart if the sullied ones don’t use recommended products in combination and as directed.

Third: Penetrating action? I’m not taking that anywhere.

Fourth: Is my potentially clogged “spiritual closet” my colon? I really don’t get that one since this workbook page isn’t about my wardrobe.  Believe me, our Christian Charm Manual covers the wardrobe later. We have lots of advice ahead about how to tie our bows, sweet girlies.

Bible verses and more poems appear on the page, too – lots of references to bad words, filthiness of the flesh, spots and wrinkles – but they’re not particularly directive. It’s the fear of filth that hogs the spotlight here.

Undo the Charm Marm: The thing is, that “out, out damn’d spot” mania just doesn’t work in terms of spirituality. Bring your shadows into the light and show yourself some compassion. Scrubbing things away works better on jeans than souls.

And besides, did the actual Jesus ever prescribe elaborately symbolic hygiene rituals for his followers? No, lovely chickadees, he really didn’t. (Oh, I know what you’re thinking, and the foot-washing doesn’t count. He wasn’t being all judge-y on them about their dirty feet as windows into their souls; it was an ancient hospitality custom.)

So by all means, find yourself some of God’s soap and mouthwash if you like, but here are the actual instructions: Use only if you enjoy. Proper application will result in bliss from revealing more of your true self and not scrubbing yourself away into a bleachy blandness.

This entry was posted on September 30, 2008 at 11:03 PM and is filed under Charm School Rules. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.